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I’m a fan of entertainment-themed snacks. We probably still have a few boxes of Pac-Man Cereal around here somewhere (Note: “stays crispy in milk” does NOT apply after 25 years). So I was eager to smack down some hard-earned cash for this box of “Printed Fun” Pop-Tarts with everybody’s favorite swashbuckling archaeologist.

And then I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Reading the warnings on the side of the Pop-Tarts package reveals a serious error in judgement on the part of Kellogg’s. First off, there’s a warning that’s obviously ridiculous:

“Due to possible risk of fire, never leave your toasting appliance or microwave unattended.”

What if they’re turned off? Or unplugged? Who wrote these warnings, my grandma?

Another warning states:

“If Pastry is overheated, frosting/filling can become extremely hot and could cause burns.”

Questionable capitalization of “Pastry” aside, why aren’t the most obvious warnings anywhere to be found?

“Warning: Seeing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could ruin fond memories of one of the greatest cinematic action heroes of all-time.” or “Never leave George Lucas unattended with a script for an Indiana Jones or Star Wars sequel, as contents could become lame.”

I have to say that the printing process Kellogg’s uses for these is pretty cool…the pictures are actually decent. But anybody looking for a challenging Indiana Jones-themed quiz should look elsewhere. Half of my cards, er, Pastries, didn’t even have questions…they just had pictures on them. Of the ones that had questions, at least half of them included a picture of the answer, such as the one that asks “What device saved Short Round, Indy and Willie from a plane crash in Temple of Doom?” with a ginormous inflatable raft right underneath.

Answer: An inflatable raft.

At least the brown sugar cinnamon Pop-Tarts are tasty.